The “Why” for Every Sexual Question

young man with hands folded looking out the window

Dr. Juli Slattery is a keynote speaker at the Restored Hope Network conference, HOPE2019, hosted by Outpost.  Dr. Slattery’s newest book, Rethinking Sexuality, is one of Outpost’s leading resources to give people a foundation in Biblical Sexuality.  Here’s a taste of what you might expect at HOPE2019.

When children reach the age of two, they begin asking a question they never stop asking. Why? If you are parenting a young child, you are faced with endless why questions. Why do I have to go to bed so early? Why do I have to eat brussel sprouts? Why do you have to go to work? Why does he get more pizza than I do? Why can’t I drive the car?

In their exhaustion, some parents defer to the age old response to every why question. Because I said so! This answer is not very satisfying to a child, no matter their age. In truth, it’s not very satisfying to us as adults either.

In my ministry, I still get asked why questions. Why should I save sex for marriage? Why would God care about two men getting married? Why is it a big deal to look at porn? Why should I stay in an unhappy marriage? Unfortunately, we typically defer to the age-old cop out in response to these questions as well. Because God said so. There are bumper stickers and plaques reinforcing the idea that “God said it, I believe it, and that settles it!”

God created us as rational creatures who long for the answers to our why questions. Certainly, there are some situations in which we simply cling to faith and trust God in spite of never understanding the why. However, God is a wise parent who often gives us a why. There is a reason why sexuality matters and why every sexual issue has spiritual significance.

The why for every sexual question is found in this truth: God intentionally created our sexuality as a powerful metaphor for His covenant love.

Everything God has created for us here on earth has a spiritual purpose, revealing something about God. Our sexuality was intentionally created as a holy symbol or analogy reflecting how God loves us. Throughout the Scripture, the one-flesh union of marital sex, sexual infidelity and sexual immorality are used as pictures to describe Christ’s relationship with the Church and our call to be faithful to our covenant with God.

Practically we experience this connection through our own lives in three ways.

  1. Sexual desire invites us to pursue covenant. Our bodies remind us that we were not meant to be alone. Sexual desire is not a bad thing! Although it may lead us to temptation and sin, God has given us sexual desire to remind us that we were made for love. Our romantic and sexual longings compel us not just to have sex, but to pursue covenant. We were created for more than a hookup; we were created for committed love and intimate knowing. Spiritually, you were not created to be alone. God invites you into a covenant, eternal relationship with Him, promising that we can never be separated from His love when we trust in Christ Jesus.
  2. Sexual intimacy is the celebration of covenant. Having sex within marriage is a physical way of celebrating the vows we made within marriage. Sexual intimacy within marriage is, in some ways, similar to a sacrament. We physically give each other our bodies in such a vulnerable and passionate way, mirroring how we have vowed our entire lives to each other. Sexual intimacy within marriage symbolizes that our intimacy with God is meant to be passionate and vulnerable, and it requires giving of ourselves.
  3. Sexual fidelity is the promise of covenant. The greatest call within marriage is faithfulness. Broken vows are a tragedy and create waves of pain. The despair of broken vows and sexual betrayal is a metaphor of the
    spiritual reality of breaking our covenant with God.

When we think about sexuality or have sexual questions, we need to view these through the filter of remembering the significance of this spiritual metaphor. This is the why… why sexual intimacy is reserved for the covenant of marriage, why male and female matters, why sex is under such spiritual attack in our world and why it’s worth it to pursue sexual integrity and sexual healing.

In Ephesians 5:21-33, Paul makes a direct connection between marriage and the one-flesh intimacy between husband and wife as a reflection of Christ and the church. Paul says this is a “mystery,” which means we can’t grasp the fullness of this metaphor. Yet, Paul’s teaching here and references throughout the Scripture remind us that sexuality and marriage were created by God to teach us about His love, His pursuit, His faithfulness and His passion towards His people.

This article was originally published on Juli’s Blog at authenticintimacy.com and is used by permission. Dr. Slattery will be speaking Friday evening at HOPE2019, and we hope you can join us. 

An Unexpected Journey

 

Figure hailing a cab on a world map

 

I had countless questions as a young person struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions. Why did I struggle with these desires? How could God change me? Would I ever be able to have a wife and children? The Church wasn’t talking much about homosexuality thirty years ago, so I was left to navigate the rigors of high school without much direction. I knew the Bible said that if you know the truth, the truth will set you free, so I decided to attend a Bible college after high school. Certainly a Bible college would know the truth that I was so desperate to find!

While at college, I first learned about Outpost Ministries, a ministry that exists to help men and women find freedom from unwanted same-sex attractions and other issues of sexual and relational brokenness. At just nineteen years old, I walked through the doors of Outpost. It was an unexpected journey but one that I was ready for and eager to take in order to find freedom.

God was faithful to me in those early years. At Outpost, I found answers. I found healing. I found my calling. I found a home.

In 2001, Dan Puumala asked me to come on staff as the Youth and College-Age Director. I was tasked with creating programming to help young people struggling with issues of gender and sexual identity. It was another unexpected journey, one most churches and ministries were not taking. Through a whole lot of help from Jesus and some trial and error, we found what worked. Persistent prayer, the study of God’s Word, and a focus on one’s inner-healing were foundational to the process. The practical realities of accountability, support groups, and separating out from negative influences were also foundational to walking away from life-dominating issues.

Outpost has seen many young lives transformed by the power of Jesus Christ throughout the years. What a joy it has been to partner with the Lord in such an important work! Now, I have the joy of seeing many of those young men and women married and with children. They continue to bear the image of God with integrity and beauty in a society that so often seeks to tear down the distinctions between men and women. These holy ones strive to be good gifts to the other gender, knowing it is a glorious position to complement each other. They are also great parents, raising their children in the wisdom of righteousness.

Outpost is raising up generations. Family lineage will continue for these men and women, something the spiritual forces behind homosexuality seek to cease. Life will continue to flow. When we choose obedience to Jesus, He makes our lives fruitful—in our families and in our communities. I am very proud of the men and women whom I have had the privilege of ministering to throughout the last 18 years. They are pilgrims on this earth, the
faithful who have chosen to live for another age.

Now, the Lord is leading my wife and me on another unexpected journey. Over this past season, the Lord has been speaking to me out of the story of Abraham. By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going (Hebrews 11:8). Abraham received the promise, he had a vision, but it was only realized by his first stepping out in faith. He ultimately received his inheritance though his saying “yes” to the unexpected journey.

In similar fashion, under the Lord’s leadership, my wife and I are stepping down from our positions at Outpost/TCJHOP and are following Him to the next adventure He has for us. We love this ministry. We love the vision and mission. We love what the Lord has built within this organization. But now, the Lord is calling us away, and we must follow.

This may seem like sudden news, but this has been a journey of discovery for us over many months. I took a sabbatical last spring. During that time, I was able to begin catching my breath and healing from almost 20 years of intense, front-lines ministry. As you can imagine, this is a challenging ministry to be in, and it has only grown more difficult in the past few years. There has been a great cost to my family and me for saying “yes” to life on the front lines. The cost has been one which we have paid willingly and would gladly do again, should the Lord ask us. But we know that if we stayed and said no to this new journey, we would be outside of the Lord’s leading. There would not be the grace to accomplish the mission and vision of the organization, and we would miss the fruitfulness of the next season of our lives.

We have not made this decision lightly. We have dialogued with good friends and mentors from all around the nation. We are so blessed to have godly men and women in our lives to help us navigate what we are sensing from the Lord. Listening obedience has also been the foundation of my ministry at Outpost. Without practicing listening obedience, I would not be where I am today. I would not have a new heart, a beautiful wife, and three amazing children. I have a rich history of relationship with God to draw from to give me strength and courage to step into the new season God has for my family and me. Yes, it is good to trust and obey, no matter how difficult.

Thank you so much for your support and friendship over the years. Candace and I are truly blessed to have been a part of such an amazing family. In that same spirit, we bless Outpost/TCJHOP as we leave.

Now more than ever, Outpost Ministries needs your support. Even now, I ask that you prayerfully consider a year-end gift to this vital kingdom ministry. Outpost has been a beacon of hope and healing for the sexually and relationally broken for over 40 years. She has helped countless men, women, and families heal from the devastating impact of sin. I am confident that her mission will continue under the leadership of Jesus and those who will be raised up in my stead.

This organization is a national treasure to cherish and invest in so that in another 40 years, she will continue to shine brightly in a world of growing darkness, continuing the vital work of Loving God, Declaring Freedom.

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Voices Q & A: Husbands and Wives

fork in the roadQ: If a husband struggles with same-sex attractions, why should he stay with his wife? Wouldn’t they both be better off going their separate ways?

A: Diane and I were committed to our marriage. We loved each other. The gay community was about youth and good looks. Diane loves me unconditionally!

There was always a voice inside me that said what I was doing—sexually acting out with other men—was wrong. I also had other people in my life who would be affected, especially my sons, and also my siblings, my in-laws, my mother, my dear friends. Their relationships were more important to me than my selfish, carnal desires.

Divorce was never an option for me. We knew it would be a battle, but we persevered, thanks to our Lord Jesus.

As Robert Frost once wrote, Diane and I “took the [road] less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

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Learning to Trust: A Wife’s Journey

wedding ringsI am the wife of a man who struggled with same-sex attractions in isolation for more than 25 years of our marriage.

I am also a sister, niece, godmother, aunt and neighbor to individuals who have identified as gay. The Lord has wanted me to deal with the issue of homosexuality and to experience the pain He feels for His children at a deeper level than most people. But the Lord first had lessons to teach me and wounds to heal in me before that could take place. Two of those areas in my life were in trust and forgiveness.

My husband Dave and I were high school sweethearts. He was gentle and kind, and I fell in love with him on the very first date. He was safe! I needed someone who was safe after being sexually abused by my grandfather for two years as a child. I needed someone I could trust, and I could trust Dave!

However, one month before we were to be married, Dave came to me and told me that he dealt with same-sex attractions and had also contracted an STD from a man. He expected that I would call off the wedding. I did not! I was naïve, and I loved him too much to let him go. We both assumed marriage would change him.  But my trust in him was broken.

I resorted to trusting in alcohol to kill my pain. I began parking outside gay bars because I was paranoid about what Dave was doing. Six years into our marriage, Jesus came in and, as our Lord and Savior, took over both of our lives. I had to learn to trust the Lord, and He gave me the ability to completely trust Dave again and no longer doubt his fidelity.

I needed to trust God after eight years of marriage and no children. We then adopted the first of our two sons—a special needs child with hydrocephalus, a son given a prognosis of severe retardation. I had to trust God for what He was going to do in my son’s life, if anything!

I had to trust God when, after 10 years of marriage, He blessed me by allowing me to become pregnant—telling me in prayer “this child is sanctified by Me”—only to take that child away by miscarriage the very next day. I cried out to God because I could not understand why. Then a dear friend told me ‘sanctified’ means, ‘taken from the world and given back to God.’ I had to forgive God for not giving me what I wanted. Then in my arrogance, He humbled me to ask for forgiveness for not trusting that He knew what was best for me.

In the two years following, I had to trust God when my son went through brain surgery and when the Lord took two more children away through miscarriage. Dave, with the stress and pain he felt at home, decided to get away and think about whether or not he should end the marriage and go into the gay life.

It hurt too much to keep this secret anymore. I confided in a man who was mentoring Dave that he had left. I also told Dave he had to confide in his mentor about his struggle before he even thought about coming home. I put all my trust in God that He would work this out in Dave. He did! Dave’s love of God and love for his family was strong!

He came back and said that he was ‘in it for the long haul.’ He started his long healing journey of being ‘called out’ of homosexuality. I was able to forgive him and trust in Jesus.

In 1997, Dave asked if he could go to Outpost. Within a few months, I joined him at what were at that time open meetings, and I gained such a love and respect for all the men there. After a few months, Outpost leaders asked us to give our testimony at an open meeting. Five days before we were to give our testimony, Dave said we should discuss what the other was going to say so there would be no surprises! That was when I found out about David’s numerous anonymous homosexual encounters for almost 27 years of our marriage. He assumed I knew and asked for my forgiveness. The day had come when I would need to forgive the most! The first words out of my mouth were, “I can’t!” Then God gave me another lesson in forgiveness: He showed me all the times that my Lord had forgiven me. Within 30 seconds, I told Dave, “I have to forgive you!” It was an act of my will. I did not feel like forgiving, but I put my trust in God, and I did.

The next few days were the most intimate times with God I have encountered in my life. With my extending forgiveness to Dave, Jesus could start healing the pain and grief I was experiencing. I cried out to God with my feelings of anger and betrayal, but my times with Him ended in love. He brought me to Colossians 3:14 in Dave’s Promise Keepers Bible, “Love is more important than anything else; it is what ties everything completely together.” I screamed at God, “Why didn’t you let me know this so I could help him?!” Jesus gave me parts of Psalm 91, “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust.’” Then He changed the next part for me, “’Because (she) loves Me,’ says the Lord, ‘I will rescue (her); I will protect (her), for (she) acknowledges My name.’” Then the room filled with the sweet presence of God, and I heard his voice saying, “I kept this knowledge from you for your own protection and for David’s. Your trust had to remain high. The decisions were David’s to make until My healing was complete. Your trust must still be strong. The old man has gone away and a new creation stands before you. Look not to the past but to the road I have laid before you both! Keep your eyes on Me!” Little did I know what that meant!

The Lord had us go through the Living Waters Program, where I learned to forgive my childhood abuser. He led us to start our own ministry, Simon Ministries for married couples, attend Living Waters Leadership Training, and begin leading the program in our own church for eight years.

The Lord has allowed me to share with those who have been sexually abused, those who have gone through infertility, miscarriages, adoption, those working with special needs children and now with wives whose husbands are struggling with same-sex attractions. Since Dave has been ‘called out’ of homosexuality and daily walking out his healing with Jesus, the Lord has taken us from coast to coast to share our testimony.

We closed Simon Ministries in 2010 and joined forces with Outpost where our healing first began. Dave still works with men dealing with SSA in the group CalebSpirit. I am working with wives struggling with forgiveness and trust in their marriages in our group Simon Refuge. I enjoy watching Jesus at work!

As a side note, we adopted a second son, Paul, who is a joy to us. But our first severely retarded son, Luke (we gave him a physician’s name), graduated from a Christian high school with a 3.0 GPA, has a college degree from University of Northwestern—St. Paul, worked for Billy Graham at Amsterdam 2000 and was just married on May 6th. His doctor stated that she had never seen a child reach normal let alone surpass it! To her, Luke is a miracle!

The Lord has loved me so much He has given me walking miracles in my house. I especially thank Jesus everyday for the gift of David as my husband. Last September we celebrated 45 years of marriage, and I would not change one minute of it. I have learned trust, forgiveness, and unconditional love and we have brought each other closer to God.