The Road of Faith and Manhood

Basketball Under WaterI was born to parents who were high school teachers who genuinely loved me and imparted good qualities to my sister and me. Our family attended a Presbyterian church for a while, but it was never a big part of our lives. Little by little, we found other things to do on Sunday mornings.

Even though our family lived apart from God, He amazingly pursued me in my childhood. When I was eight years old, I had a dream about Jesus. The dream had a big effect on me, and I told others about it. Billy Graham Crusades, televised during prime time, also impacted me. I learned the sinners’ prayer and prayed it daily.

Broken Reality

When I was 13, life and the forces of darkness took their toll on our family. I was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer and wasn’t expected to survive. Eight months of nauseating chemotherapy and radiation followed. But thankfully God brought me through it, though I lost my right leg through the ordeal.

Also around that time, family problems began to surface. Suddenly we were dealing with fractured relationships and hidden sin. Without the Lord in our lives, none of us knew how to handle it. Wounds and brokenness resulted. (Side note: Outpost’s Living Waters program was a great help to me in processing and praying through wounds from the past.)

Searching for Truth

Having survived cancer and junior high school (not sure which was worse!), I really began searching for truth. In high school, I took lessons in eastern meditation. But my journey to Christ began in the most unlikely place—the local movie theater. Two friends and I went to see The Omen, a Hollywood horror flick based on the emergence of the anti-Christ. We talked into the night about the Bible, even though none of us knew much about it.

Soon after, my friend Mark and I began attending a series on the book of Revelation at a local church. Stories from Revelation left me more afraid than The Omen did. Jesus is coming back, judgment day is approaching, and I knew I wasn’t ready.

Opening the Door

In college, I really started seeking a relationship with Christ but didn’t understand that it began by faith. This difficult season came to a sudden and joyful end when two Christians knocked on my dorm room door sharing a gospel tract. I invited Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior on February 22, 1978.

Wonderful days followed, as I was translated from the kingdom of darkness into the Kingdom of God. My life had been turned right-side up, and I was all in. The Lord brought two men into my life to disciple me, and I was baptized that summer.

Off the Rails

Naturally, I thought my same-sex attraction would go away now that I was a Christian. I was wrong. Rather, it was like holding a basketball under water. My gender identity had gone off the rails when I was an early teen, and it was still off the rails. Becoming a Christian didn’t fix it. As author Alan Medinger has said, I had undeveloped masculinity, and the only solution, was, well, development. I needed to resume my journey into manhood.

Same-sex attraction might seem horrible and undesirable to some, but as Proverbs 27:7 says, “to one who is hungry, everything bitter is sweet.”  I longed for manhood—my own manhood, really—and, eventually, the longing became sexual.

After college, I moved to the big city and lived near downtown. Soon, I discovered all of the places to get into trouble. I hated falling into sin but couldn’t resist the draw. Along with the spiritual consequences, there was real physical danger. It was the early 80’s, and AIDS was spreading unknowingly and undetected. Even though I veered into sexual sin, God spared me from that brutal outcome.

But God had a plan. A job opened up in Minneapolis. I packed up a U-Haul and headed north.

Deepened Roots

Many blessings awaited me in Minneapolis, and one of them was Outpost. I contacted the ministry within days of arriving and started meeting with one of the staff members. He also recommended a good church, which I attend to this day.

The following years brought many opportunities for growth. I was in the thick of things at Outpost as a volunteer and participant in Joshua Fellowship. I also deepened my roots at church where I joined a great small group and participated in a church plant in my neighborhood.

At the time, I believed that my efforts to grow spiritually and emotionally would cause my same-sex attraction to go away. Again, I was wrong. I was still falling into sexual sin from time to time, and I longed to be set free. None of my efforts addressed the real underlying issues.

Breakthrough

Though it wasn’t sudden, eventually there was breakthrough. When I focused on developing my wounded gender identity, I began to experience real change—a change that I would have never dreamt possible. I went on men’s weekends, joined a men’s group, read books pertaining to manhood, watched war movies and hung out at Home Depot. I pursued athletics and relished any activity that involved a power saw. Gradually, my identity changed. With masculinity growing in my heart of hearts, temptations lost their power. I didn’t need the masculinity of another; I had my own.

Same-sex attraction isn’t completely gone, but it’s nearly gone. I spent decades believing that this sort of transformation wasn’t possible. Now I can testify that real change awaits the men and women who embark on this journey. It’s been a long haul, and I’m still on the road. The rerouted journey into manhood that I’ve lived just might be more satisfying than if it had never been interrupted at all.

The Psalmist describes me when he writes, “[God] drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure” (Psalm 40:2, ESV). I’ve been rescued from the grip of dangerous sin, deadly disease and much, much more. I owe all to grace.

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Tales of a Former Prodigal

lost sheepIn 2008, I began my journey out of a lesbian relationship.  God had been deeply convicting me that my partner had taken His rightful place in my heart and that I needed to decide who was Lord in my life.  God, in His mercy, made it easier for me by having my partner leave me.  In that place of abandonment, I had to decide.  Do I look for another partner, or do I choose God?  I chose God.  Now the work would begin of renewing my mind from the previous seven years of lies from the devil and the world about my identity.  Who was I?  I didn’t know anymore.  My identity was a mystery to me.

Although I felt like an outsider, I had never stopped going to church.  As I carefully tried to be part of the Body of Christ again and shared bits of my story, fellow believers asked, “How did this happen to you?”  I couldn’t explain it.  I didn’t understand how I had come to be in the condition I was in.  I knew the journey of my life events, but I didn’t understand the psychological or emotional undercurrents of those events that had brought me to this point in my life.

I began seeing a Christian counselor, and I attended Leanne Payne’s Pastoral Care Ministry Conferences, but the most helpful resource turned out to be a program called Living WatersLiving Waters is a 20-week inner-healing program for the sexually and relationally broken.  In Living Waters, I learned about events in my early childhood—nothing earth shaking, just subtle things—that set me up to hunger for feminine touch and connection.  You see, I was the middle child in my family. Psychologists sometimes refer to the middle child as “the lost child” where no one pays much attention to you.  It plays out that as your legitimate need for love from your same-sex parent doesn’t get met, you seek other ways to meet the need yourself.  You become needy, like you want to be the center of attention.  This was me to a “T”.  People thought I was fine because I was popular and loud and was the center of conversations, but the source of that striving was a lost, hurting heart.

I hid my pain and tried to push it down for years until, in my late 30’s, the pain resurfaced.  At the same time, the pro-gay movement was gaining momentum. I began to entertain the thought of being close to a woman.  Cognitively, I was in a battle with myself thinking it was a bad idea, but my emotions were driving me in this direction.

Fast forward to my partner leaving me.  I entered the Living Waters Program, and through the large group teachings accompanied by healing prayer in my small group, God Himself met me and filled the void in my heart with His love.  I couldn’t go back and relive the early years of my life, but God is all-sufficient for the needs we have.  When we ask Him, He comes and fills every gap, every hole, and all of the pain He takes away and sends to the cross.  No longer in pain, I could then begin to love myself and discover who I was, my true identity.

Today I help others find healing and reconnect to God through the ministry of Outpost.  I lead a group called Elijah Company, a group for parents and friends who have loved ones identifying as gay or struggling with same sex-attractions.  When parents first come, they feel shame and fear, not knowing who they can talk to about their situation.  They are grieving because of the loss they feel as their loved ones have distanced themselves from them.  When they come to Elijah Company, they find a safe place to talk about their pain and receive comfort from the group.  They share their stories with each other and encourage one another to trust Jesus with their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

After being in Elijah Company, most parents testify that their faith has grown exponentially as a result of their crying out to God and seeking His face daily for their loved one.  What at first seemed like a painful and hopeless situation slowly turns into faith and trust that we have a loving Father.  We have been together for so long now that some of our original parents are now sharing in their churches what God has done for their families.  They are giving hope to others in their churches and offering a safe place to come.

I chuckle when I think of one of my grandsons: he insists on learning the hard way.  He reminds me of myself!  Having been a prodigal daughter, I can testify to the goodness and faithfulness of God.  He has led me faithfully on this journey of the restoration of my heart.