A New Creation

This article originally appeared on CHANGED Movement’s Love & Culture blog in April 2022. used with permission.

“From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

2 Corinthians 5:16-17

Several years ago, I was part of a small group of men. We all struggled with issues around sexual purity and identity. We met weekly to encourage and support each other. During one of the meetings, after rejecting most of their encouragement regarding God’s love and view of me, one of the men confronted me.  He asked, “Are you so arrogant to believe everyone here is wrong and you are right?” The truth was, yes. In fact, I was that arrogant. In that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke to me clearly saying, “They see you like I see you, they see the real authentic you. Rodger, your vision is distorted by lies, you don’t see that you are a new creation.” See, I saw myself through the distortion of self-applied    labels and identities. I didn’t recognize the new man. No wonder walking in newness of life felt impossible.

The Old and New Testament speak of the hope that one day God would come and save His people. This salvation wouldn’t just be rescuing them from the evil surrounding them but it would be a salvation that completely changed the person who had faith in God. While this is fantastic, He promises to do even more. God said His Spirit would live in his followers, empowering them to live a righteous life, a righteousness that flows from the inside out1. The Prophet Ezekiel wrote, I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.”2 The Old Testament hope has become the New Testament reality. Paul writes “the gospel is the power of God to save all who believe.”3 That is, when you believe this good news you encounter the power of God and it changes you, it changes everything!

Knowing and experiencing this power is central to Christianity. Paul asked God to give the Ephesians “the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, having the eyes of your hearts enlightened so that you would know…what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe…” Paul continues, it’s the same power (his great might)  “that he (God) worked in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places…”4  WOW, breathe that in a few times, it’s intoxicating in the best way!!! The very same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in us. Because of this we are saved, born again, resurrected into new life, adopted as daughters or sons, and we’ve been released from slavery to sin and death and set free to live a righteous life. This power is so powerful that it has made each of us a new creation. And, the Holy Spirit lives in us!

In 2 Corinthians 5, Paul writes about the ministry which he is, indeed, we are all called, the ministry of reconciliation. Paul states, “From now on we regard no one according to the flesh….”. He stopped assessing or judging people according to their appearance, what he could see with his eyes. He had initially done so with Jesus (and the fledgling church) and it didn’t work out well. Thankfully, this kind of vision problem can be healed by encountering the Risen Christ.

The effect of this change is we no longer see with distorted vision. Instead of seeing the distorted person, we see the authentic person who is in Christ; we see the new creation. Paul writes, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”5 Again, this is a good time to stop for just a few seconds and think about this truth. When we came to Jesus we were made a new creation. The word he uses for “new” means “all things are new, previously non-existent, far different from what they were before.”6 This is outrageous; I am not the man I use to be! Christianity is not rehabilitation for those addicted to sin. It’s not therapy to piece together a fragmented psyche. No, the old Rodger died, he was buried. Now, by faith in God, His power has made me a new creation, born again, resurrected into new life. And, so are you.

I may not feel or behave like a new creation, but I am. As a new born baby, born again into this walk of faith, I will develop and mature. It is by faith that we are saved! And it is the fruit of this faith in his grace, love and power that we mature in him. With faith that I am who God says I am, I challenge other voices that identify me as something other than what God says in Scripture. I recognize that my appetites, desires, or lust don’t define. My body’s sexual response doesn’t define me. God defines me and I see myself through His eyes. I see that I am a new creation. And, with hope in Christ and the testimonies of others, I “run the race set before me.”7 

Now that you are a new creation, do you see through those new eyes? When you look at others, how do you see them?  When looking at followers of Jesus, do you see the new creation?  Many disciples continue with the labels they had prior to faith in Jesus. They continue with labels that are no longer true. No worries. These labels are like “yellow sticky notes” stuck on a woolly sweater. With just a breeze, those labels are blown away. You don’t need to try to rip off the labels or confront the person, but rather love the authentic person Christ made them to be. Jesus will bring a breeze at just the right time. I encourage you to see with new eyes. Look for the authentic in others. For believers, this is always their new creation. For those yet to come to faith in Jesus, ask the Father to see them as He does. Never label someone with a label the Father would not give them.8 Ask the Lord who they really are and interact with them from that perspective. Honor them and love them as the Father does.

I pray that you encounter the love and power of God so intimately that nothing causes you to look back but that you see everything as lost for the sake of the gospel. I pray you no longer see yourself or others “according to the flesh,’ but as God sees. I pray you see yourself as a new creation and engage how different you are. You are not who you were! You are a disciple, a follower of Jesus, a Christian. This is your authentic self. Nothing else identifies you. I pray you and others are able to see in you the fruit of intimacy with Jesus, His righteousness, peace and joy increasing in you and through you!!!

1 See Matthew 5 In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus “raises the bar” regarding righteousness. “You have heard it said…but I say….” The righteousness of the Kingdom of God flows for inside out; it is not measured only by action but by one’s heart, feelings, fantasies and attitudes. 

2 Ezekiel 36:25-27

3 Romans 1:16

4 Ephesians 1:17-19

5 2 Corinthians 5:17

6 The mean of “new” from the Strongs, https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g2537/esv/mgnt/0-1/

7 Hebrews 12:1; 1 Corinthians 9:24-27; 2 Timothy 4:7

8 Kris Vallotton, one of the senior leaders at Bethel Church, Redding, one day had an encounter with a young man who had shared the labels he had applied to himself. When Kris spoke to the Lord about the young man, the Lord said to Kris, “Never label people with labels I would not give them. See them as I do.”

Knowing the Love that Surpasses Knowledge

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

Ephesians 3:14-21 (NIV)

Dear friends,

I am amazed at the prayers of Paul in the New Testament. Paul had a keen sense of the Christian life and our deepest needs. Ephesians 3:14-21 is no exception. What strikes me about this passage is that Paul prays for Christ to indwell Christians. However, doesn’t Jesus already indwell Christians by the Holy Spirit? Yes, but Paul also prays for Christians to know the love of Christ “that surpasses knowledge.” Paul is making a distinction here between knowing about God’s love for us and knowing God’s love experientially.

Why does this matter? I believe it is a matter of life and death.

First, let’s look at the straightforward way this difference matters. To know about God’s love for you through the Gospel is not the same as to have received it yourself. The Gospel requires a response through repentance and faith; knowing the truth of the Gospel alone cannot and does not save anyone. To be led out of spiritual death into life, each one of us must chose to receive the Gospel. That is, we must each know it in our heart and spirit as well as in our mind.

The second way this matters is more complicated. To know about something and to experience something are not the same. Jonathan Edwards once talked about the difference between knowing that honey is sweet and actually tasting its sweetness. To know about something without actually having experienced it leaves us with a sense of disconnect. The same disconnect is true in relationships. I might know about a certain celebrity, but that is not the same as having a personal relationship with that celebrity.

Where am I going with this? In my Christian walk, this passage in Ephesians has been significant to me because of its implications for my relationship with God. If God’s love is abstract to me, it does not affect me at all. If, however, God’s love is something I experience deeply and regularly, my capacity to respond to, love, and obey God from a place of fullness is greatly increased.

It’s not just my story, however. Both in Joshua Fellowship (JF) and Living Waters, I have heard participants share that deep down, they are not truly sure God loves them. I can relate to that belief; I believed for years that God deeply disliked me even though I was saved. Learning about Jesus is not enough. One must “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8) in order to know Jesus’ love in the center of his or her being.

That is why I love being a part of JF and Living Waters. I get to participate in God’s work to see men and women freed from the shame and lies that keep them from experiencing God’s presence and love for them. That is why I am excited to see how God uses the remainder of JF’s Strive summer course to bring the young men into deeper freedom and joy. And that is why I look forward to the upcoming Living Waters book study, where men and women will dive into God’s love and acceptance of them through the breaking of lies and healing of wounds. Praise God, for He is able to do infinitely more that we can ask or imagine, to the praise of His glory! Amen.

Another Year of HOPE

Dear Friends,

During the first week of June, Annetta and I traveled to Ridgecrest Conference Center in western North Carolina for the annual HOPE Conference of the Restored Hope Network (RHN). RHN is a network of like-minded ministries which Outpost helped to found in 2012, under the banner “Jesus Christ has life-changing power.” RHN replaced the apostate network of ministries called Exodus, Int’l, of which Outpost was also a founding member in 1976.

The Conference started with “Member Day.” This yearly meeting of network ministry leaders is held to take care of network business including elections, ministry reports, fellowship, and so on. The remaining days are attended by leaders, ministry participants, family, and friends. The activities include plenary worship sets, keynote addresses, breakout sessions, and ministry times.

Some of the highlights of the conference were:

  • The variety of keynote addresses. We heard from Anne Paulk, RHN Executive Director; Dr. Julie Hamilton, LMFT; Dr. Paul Hruz, pediatric endocrinologist; Tamika “Uproot that thang” Sanders of Coming Out, Inc.; and Jeff Simunds, Director of Tower of Light Ministries in Seattle.
  • The worship times focused on Jesus Christ and His work in our lives.
  • A series of inspiring testimonies from Laura Perry Smalts of First Stone Ministries, Oklahoma City; Dee Barnes of His Wonderful Works ministry, Atlanta; Mike Newland of ReStory Ministries with the Assemblies of God (and a former Outpost intern!), Minneapolis; Maria Nistri of Exchange Ministries, Orlando; Gene and Anita Eggman of AboutHOPE Ministries, Springdale, AR; and Rev. Bob Stith of the SBC special ministry to sexual brokenness, of Living Hope Ministries, Dallas.
  • A posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award presentation to Ted Schneider, founder of AboutHOPE Ministries, who passed away this past January.
  • A set of helpful breakout sessions:
    • Dr. Linda Seiler spoke on “The Five Streams,” discussing five differing Christian views on the LGBTQ+ question.
    • Maria Nistri talked about “Earnestness and the Great Exchange”.
    • Dr. Paul Hruz of the Catholic Medical Association and the Christian Medical and Dental Association (with Laura Perry Smalts) shared insight into “Practical Issues in Addressing Sex-Discordant Gender Identity.”
    • Dr. Julie Hamilton presented  “Silence of the Church on LGBT Issues and Steps Toward Change.”
  • Plenty of free time to explore the Blue Ridge Parkway.

We want to encourage everyone reading this to consider attending an RHN Hope Conference in the future. Next year, plans are in place to offer the conference completely online. This will allow for lower cost and easier access to the conference materials. In 2024 the conference will once again be live and in-person at a site to be announced. In the meantime, conference videos will be made available this summer via www.restoredhopenetwork.org. Please take advantage of this excellent opportunity to increase your knowledge and experience of the ministries operating out of biblical clarity and conviction!

In Christ,

Dan's Signature

Thanks for Being There

From the 2022 Spring Banquet. Used with permission.

God’s Faithfulness in Transition

Dear Friends,

If you are reading this, I’m writing to you from beyond the grave!

Not really, but by the time you read this, I will no longer be working at Outpost. Instead, my family and I will be at my new ministry position in another state.

Goodbyes are hard. There’s no way around that. But at least they can provide a catalyst for reminiscing.

Looking back, I am so grateful for my time at this ministry. I am thankful for how God worked and how God used the people in this ministry to bring so much healing and transformation into my life. It will be 10 years ago this fall when I nervously made the call to Outpost saying I may need some help. Since then, God used this place to do open-heart surgery on my soul. I had mentors speak into me and friends surround and encourage me, all while experiencing an ever-deepening intimacy with God in His presence.

Of course, it was not always pleasant. I had to grapple with my darkest desires, narcissism, pain, wounds, hatred toward God, hatred toward men and women, sexual addiction, and all the junk inside my sinful heart. Yet through it all, God’s love has always remained. His goodness and worthiness are what kept me going even when healing felt more hell-full than helpful. Now my heart is more sensitive to Jesus than ever before. Now I can receive (and have received) blessings that I could not have experienced before God did His work.

In these almost-10-years, I wasn’t the only one who changed. I’ve seen the lives of so many others impacted by the work and presence of God. Outpost itself has gone through a lot of change and will continue to change after I’m done here. However, one thing that remains the same is the truth that God transforms lives. God continues to use Outpost to do this ministry of transformation from death to life and from despair to hope.

As I say my final goodbye, be encouraged that God is faithful. He doesn’t need me (or anyone) to accomplish His work, yet He loves to partner with us. Ministering is a privilege we get to experience. It should never seem like a duty we are burdened with. I’m grateful to be leaving Outpost with a team that sees this ministry work in that way—as something they get to do, not something they have to do.

With that in mind, I know that Outpost will continue to need your support and prayer—now more than ever—as it faces another time of transition. God will provide for this important work. I hope you may be the means of that provision! As you continue to partner with Outpost as God leads, please see this partnership as a privilege. We invite you into the transformational work of God in the sexually and relationally broken.

Thank you all for coming along with me for this part of my journey.

The Lord bless you and keep you.

The Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you.

The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.

Give to the Max Day!

Give to the Max Day Logo with trees, hills and the state of MN.
https://www.givemn.org/

Dear Friends,

November is arriving, and with it comes chilly air, holiday gatherings, and our annual invitation for you to join us for Give to the Max Day. As many of you are aware, Give to the Max Day is specifically set aside in Minnesota for financially supporting local non-profit organizations, like Outpost/TCJHOP. In years past, we’ve asked our supporters to consider giving a little extra this month. This year, however, we are doing something different: inviting new people to contribute to our ministry. We have so many who regularly pray and give, but to do all the work before us, we need to bring more people into this community of support.

Inviting others to join in is inherently biblical. Consider the story of Andrew and Philip in John 1. These men were disciples of John the Baptist when he pointed them to Jesus and said “Look, the Lamb of God!” (v.36). Both men began following Jesus that day. Scripture tells us the first thing Andrew did was go and get his brother Peter, saying, “We have found the Messiah” (v.41). Likewise, Philip went and got his friend Nathanael, telling him to “Come and see” (v.46). What prompted Andrew and Philip’s actions? They had found the Messiah, and they couldn’t wait to bring others to Him.

Have you have been blessed by the ministry of Outpost? Then we encourage you to be bold like Andrew and Philip to say “come and see!” to a few friends or family members. What do we mean? Think about what God has done in your heart, your mind, and your life to bring you hope and healing. Consider who you know that would be blessed and encouraged by hearing your story. Tell them your story and ask if they would like to help us bring that same hope and healing to others.

Our goal is to welcome 50 new donors into our community through Give to the Max Day. Here’s how you can help:

  • Visit givemn.org and create an account.
  • Visit our organization page at givemn.org/organization/tcjhop and click the “Fundraise” button.
  • Create a fundraising page using the provided template.
  • Talk with people and invite them to give through your fundraising page from November 1 – 18.

Andrew and Philip boldly and speedily invited Peter and Nathanael to follow Jesus. This could not have been easy and, as we know, certainly cost them greatly. But it also brought them a great reward. Sharing your story of healing with others may feel daunting, but the reward is also great. Find one or two trusted people you can share with. Tell them what God has done and is doing in your life. Invite them to help us continue providing help and hope to others. And may the act of invitation bring you strength and encouragement to continue sharing your story so others can come and see the hope and healing of Jesus the Messiah for themselves.

Yours,

signature of author

Wendy

HOPE2019 Conference: A Reflection

Stained glass window shot from inside. Features a cross in the window frame as the center of the pictureI stand amazed at the relentless way that God meets us in our need. He met me in a profound way at the Restored Hope Network conference HOPE2019 this past weekend. I didn’t expect it; in fact, I expected my responsibilities to naturally exclude me from times of ministry and encounter. When you have to be Martha, it’s easy to lose hope for moments of Mary. In the midst of my busyness, Jesus heard my hearts’ cry–the desire I had to sit and receive–and He met me there.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8 NKJV

It was Saturday afternoon, and I was making my umpteenth run in and out of the sanctuary. Camera batteries had to be charged, cables exchanged, questions answered, and leaky toilets dealt with. Announcements ended, the keynote began, and I found myself drawn to sit and ignore the clamor for a moment.

As the speaker started, I actually felt panic begin to rise in my chest. Not there, Jesus, not that pain. I have to teach a class in 30 minutes. If You touch that part of my heart, I won’t be able to keep it together. Despite the overwhelming desire to bolt, I stayed.  I gave Jesus my weak ‘yes’, and let Him work in me.

Thirty minutes later, you could find me weeping at the altar, but not out of panic. I was surrounded by the people who love me most: fellow laborers for the gospel, friends-in-arms. I was ministered to, held, and had incredible promise spoken over my life. Jesus began (another!) good work in my heart, and I know that He will be faithful to complete it.

When you seek the Lord, He answers you. That small, unspoken cry of your heart, He hears that too. I heard this theme in the stories, the testimonies of transformation, the sessions, and so many conversations in the hall. Often His answers come at inconvenient times, in uncomfortable and humbling ways, but He answers you. When we let Jesus in, and give Him permission to touch those deepest, darkest wounds, He brings healing.

You could not help but be moved by the stories of transformation that were shared this weekend, and I was awed and humbled to be counted friend among so many who have persevered against incredible odds. They really have overcome by the word of their testimony and the Blood of the Lamb, and continue to do so daily.

I am so grateful for the Restored Hope Network and Outpost’s membership therein. Obviously, there are organizational benefits, but really, my gratefulness arises because of the incredible people and leaders in this network. They are different, set apart, a caliber all their own.

I also want to thank every single member of Outpost’s staff, and many of our participants, who gave their all this weekend to help run the HOPE2019 Conference. I am so grateful for their tireless efforts in registration, running the bookstore, serving lunch, manning AV, and so much more. In particular, special thanks to Joy K. who poured herself out endlessly as one of the conference leads.  If you think of them, please pray for the refreshing and protection of the Lord. It was an honor to be the host ministry for HOPE2019, and I am looking forward to next year’s conference in Seattle.

The Power of the Cross

Recently, I have experienced difficult circumstances and losses that have left me reeling. Life has been so unpredictable and painful, and the challenges just keep coming. This has made me think about how we navigate this world as broken, sinful human beings, who so badly need a savior, a comforter, and a refuge from the storm. How do we turn from our own self-sufficiency and our attempts to fill the hurt and broken places with something other than the healing love of God? This is where the cross enters the picture.

The power of the cross is that we have a great High Priest, Jesus, who can sympathize with our weakness, who has been tempted in every way but is without sin, who enables us to confidently draw near the throne of grace where we are able to receive God’s mercy and help in our time of need (Heb. 4:14-16). This is a powerful passage, but one we know too well and can minimize when thinking of ourselves and our circumstances. If we read this passage with fresh eyes, we see a hope that we can be met and held, no matter what. We see the way to the Father opened by Jesus’ blood. We see that Jesus has bought us and we are HIS! Because we are His, we can have the confidence to come before Him in obedience and trust, even when things are hard. As I have struggled with the difficulties of this past season, I want to share some passages from Hebrews that I found very helpful.

Hope, The Blood and The Way

When our feelings and circumstances overwhelm us, the first thing we need is hope. Even when we are in the darkest places, overwhelmed by our pain; when we feel lost at sea, drowning in our sin and shame, we can have hope as an anchor in the storm. Hebrews 6 says God gives us His promises to encourage us as we lay hold of the hope set before us and flee to Him for refuge. This hope is an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast (vv 17-19a). Using a promise from Hebrews 4, we can draw near to God to receive mercy and help. Instead of struggling like one who is in a sinking ship, we can lay hold of this promise as an anchor to weather the storm. We can turn our eyes towards Jesus in faith that He is with us, and that there is a future beyond our current stormy situation.

The second thing we need in this unpredictable life is the reassurance that Jesus’ blood is enough. When we are hit with shame or feel the weight of our sin, the Holy Spirit reminds us that Jesus shed His blood to set us free. Hebrews 7 speaks of how Jesus saves us completely and forever, and that it is He who always lives to make intercession for us (vv 24-5). Jesus is our Advocate before the Father, who understands us in our weakness and claims us as His blood-washed bride. Hebrews 9 talks about how Jesus, through His own blood, obtained for us eternal redemption, that our consciences may be cleansed of dead works to serve the living God (vv 12,14). By Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, we can be set free of so much–our past, our hurts, and our sins–that we might walk out of darkness and into light. We are new creations in Christ, even when we struggle, because we are saved and cleansed to the uttermost.

The third thing that we need is a way out or a way forward when we feel lost and overwhelmed by our sin. We have already seen Hebrews 4, where Jesus enables us to draw near the throne with confidence.

It won’t be overnight, but Jesus saves forever and completely, so we can continue to give God our “yes” in the now and the not yet. 

So Jesus not only intercedes for us, but he made a way for us to enter the throne room, for us to have access to the Father. Hebrews 8 tell us that Jesus mediated a new and a better covenant, one based on faith in Him and not obedience to the law (v 6). He calls us to faith and shows us the way into God’s presence, where we can receive the kind words and healing love of the Father into our broken hearts. It isn’t about legalism or following rules, but trusting that Jesus will show us the way as we walk closely in relationship with Him.

Our Part: Draw Near and Hold Fast

Now we have hope to anchor us, our Savior’s blood to cover us, and the way forward opened, so we can approach the throne. What is left is only our participation. Hebrews 10:19-23 is a summary of what has already been discussed, but there’s an important addition. We are called to draw near and to hold fast. Our part is to give God our “yes”–our submission to His working in our lives–and to believe when it gets hard. In my darkest and most rebellious times, when I felt farthest away from God, I prayed to be willing to be made willing. In His mercy, He answered my prayer, and worked in my heart to accomplish this. God is faithful to answer our “yes.” Like a kid who scrapes her knee and runs to her father, we have that kind of access to God. We can keep coming back, choosing to return and follow Him until the end.

The power of the cross is that the way is open, the blood has covered us, and we have an anchor in the storms of life. Even when we feel a million miles away from God, we get to choose, again and again, to say “yes”: to believe God and to take Him at His word. We are clean, we are healed and being healed, we have been freed from the power of sin and death, we are being made new. It won’t be overnight, but Jesus saves forever and completely, so we can continue to give God our “yes” in the now and the not yet. We may look like a mess on the outside, but the cross is enough. It is not our work, but our “yes”–our submission, our surrender and letting go–that allows God the opportunity to do something powerful and real in us.

Being a Good Gift: A Living Waters Testimony

hands holding a giftI recently completed the Living Waters program through Outpost Ministries. I’m deeply grateful to the leaders who spent several months creating a safe place for our healing. They also gave us a profound gift when they shared their stories with us in such transparency. So, in gratitude for the gift they have given me, here is my gift to you.

My story begins with a passive and emotionally detached father. To be clear, he worked incredibly hard to give us a comfortable life. But, while he never abused me, he also never sought a relationship with me. He was always busy with something more important. His passivity and emotional detachment left a huge hole in my life, contributing to a lot of anxiety and doubt in my worth as a man. But I wasn’t the only one affected. My mother, with whom it seemed I had a close relationship, also felt the effects of his absence. She frequently operated as a single mother, bearing the burden of dual parenting roles, one which she was never meant to carry. Additionally, her own needs for relationship and connection went unmet. My relationship with her became really hot-or-cold. Every time we had heart-to-hearts it felt as if something was being forcibly taken from me—something precious to me that I couldn’t name, but that I hadn’t agreed to give. I felt alone, unsafe and unprotected. In self-defense, I detached from almost all relationships, and vowed not to trust my dad and mom.

Because of how chaotic my external life was, I turned to an inner fantasy life of my own choosing. I hid my gift behind a wall of silence. The onset of puberty saw these fantasy worlds sexualized, for which I became deeply ashamed. I isolated myself further out of fear of discovery. I became thoroughly addicted to pornography and masturbation. As I was preparing to graduate high school I knew I had to make a change. So I joined a missionary group and moved to Indiana two days after I graduated. To my despair, choosing this Godly action did not set me free from my sinful behaviors. Anxiety ruled the day, and my acting out behavior became more desperate. Leadership, which couldn’t risk allowing me to continue in ministry, removed me from the fellowship. I came back to Minnesota devastated, slowly sinking deeper into addiction until I believed the lies that I had no ability to change, that change was impossible, that I was unworthy of marriage, that I was not a good gift.

This is when God met me. He told me, “I have a season of grace for you.” I threw it back in His face. “Who do you think you are to say that to me! What does that even mean? That doesn’t mean anything! I don’t care! Do whatever you want, but I’m not changing! I’m not doing a thing – It’s all on you”. Even as I lashed out, the cross came into my life. For the first time, I gave up trying to choose and act on my own, and I allowed Jesus to take control of my healing.

Shortly thereafter I was directed to Outpost Ministries and couldn’t wait to enroll in Living Waters. Throughout the course God continually brought up areas of my life to surrender at the cross. Every week I faced areas of misogyny, relational idolatry, unforgiveness, and vows of hatred and mistrust made against fathers and men in my life. Every week took courage to encounter my brokenness with honesty and humility. Every week I encountered safe relationships where I could share what God was doing in my life. Every week I went to the cross and surrendered. Every week I found nothing there but mercy.

God used the cross and fellowship to create a safe place in my heart, which He filled with an intimate Father-son relationship. He wasn’t passive and distant anymore, but present and engaged. He was able to nurture me and provide a home for me that my parents were never able to. He has taught me that the source of my masculine gift is found under the strength of His covering. My masculine strength and authority to lead come from my surrender to His authority, just like the centurion whose faith amazed Jesus. It was never my strength to choose or act that would free me, it was His! And He gave Himself generously!

I am so grateful for what God has delivered me from, and for what He has prepared me for. I hope you are encouraged by the gift of my story because God is writing a beautiful story for you to tell as well. You are a worthy gift!

Restored Hope Network Conference HOPE2019

Image of Stone Arch Bridge, Minneapolis, MNThis year’s Restored Hope Network Conference will be here in Minneapolis! Please join us for HOPE2019 on June 21-22, 2019.

HOPE2019 is a special conference filled with powerful biblical teaching, worship, and inspiring life stories of those who have dealt with same sex attraction and been transformed by the living God.

HOPE2019 is for strugglers, family members, loved ones, counselors, pastors, and more.

Find additional information and register here. 

Early Bird rates end March 15th, so register early for a 10% discount!